This is Hell

Nintendo Hard, tvtrope’s apt name for the sheer hell of old video games, exemplified by the NES. This  hellish difficulty was designed to ramp up the replay value of games back then. There were no save points and the games were not particularly long. But enough about that, this is about I Wanna be the Guy, the epitome of platforming hell, a subtrope of Nintendo Hard. The creator of this game’s goal was to make a game as difficult as possible without fake difficulty. This means that those Super Mario Hacks are infinitely harder because those REQUIRE a combination of save state abuse, slow down, rewind, and curses. This game only requires muscle memory, patience, and curses. The reason for this is because while this game is random in what it throws at you, nothing is ever random and everything is physically doable not like the insanity of something like Kaizo Mario World.

The story of this game is, like most early platformers, unnecessary for the enjoyment and more of an excuse for the game. The game opens like Megaman 2, you are a kid, aptly named “The Kid”, who wants to become “The Guy”. The Guy is some sort of great title that gets passed down when someone defeats the previous Guy. The Guy’s fortress is defended by a force field. You must collect 6 orbs to deactivate the forcefield. However, the orbs are held after bosses: Mike Tyson, Mecha Birdo, Dracula, Kraidgief, Bowser/Wart/Dr. Wiley, Mother Brain, and Mecha Dragon from Mega Man II just before entering the fortress.  There are many sections to the game, most of them paying tribute to a classic game. There’s a Ghouls and Ghosts section (another tough platformer), there’s a Zelda screen, there’s a megaman section, there’s a Castlevania section, there’s a Tetris screen, and a metroid section. Some areas pay tribute with their music: Kirby’s Green Greens on a very very difficult stretch of high speed action, Ducktales Moon level for another even harder high speed action segment, and game sections’ respective music.

This game is a celebration of mind-numbing difficulty. However, the creator was kind enough to add in helpful things; save points. Those things are the only thing in the entire game that aren’t out to kill you in comically, explosively, and simplistically gory ways (and even that’s untrue, the infamous killer save point right before the final boss. How would you handle that?) The save points are so integral to the difficulty of the game that their placement is the only difference between different difficulty settings. Hard is the default setting that the game was designed for, Very Hard has about half as many save points as hard, meaning that you need to get further in one try maybe as much as 4 screens before you can save again. Medium mode was an afterthought added in to make the game, I hesitate to say easier, so let’s go with less difficult. The extra savepoints it has versus hard mode say “Wuss” on them instead of “Save” and your character wears a little red bow on his head. Impossible mode is just that impossible, no save points. Compounding that difficulty, this game is technically still a beta so it is still very glitchy and will sometimes crash at random instances. There is a video of someone beating Impossible mode; it’s the only documented case to my knowledge. There’s one other thing that’s on your side. Your double jump. And technically your gun too but that’s no where near close in its usefulness. Your double jump can save you from poorly timed jumps. It can save you from metaphorically stepping into the mine field to check for dangers; you jump out of the sudden bolt of lightning and survive. YAY!

That’s enough talking, you need to see some of the screens to even begin to appreciate the insanity of this game. And these images lack the delicious fruit of doom. Turns out that getting hit by a cherry/apple thing (delicious fruit) makes you explode into bloody chunks of flesh. The alt text explains some context for the image.

from save. Jump the spikes, land on the platform. Dodge the third ceiling spike as it falls. Dodge another later on. Jump to the tombstone, dodge it’s falling on you. avoid the hand in the tree. Jump up. Wussiffy if you desire. Dodge the delicious fruit. You have no clue where it’s going to go the first time through though. (most of them go down). The zombies take three gun shots to kill.

Believe it or not, this is a simple screen. Those platforms don’t even change speed and no spikes fall.

You have to jump from block to block. And you don’t know where the next one will appear. Until this has killed you 10 times.

And it freaking kills you. typical.

And the sword freaking kills you.

Check this game out if you dare. http://kayin.pyoko.org/iwbtg/downloads.php

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