So there was this article on Fox News a few days ago, which I just discovered via Facebook, from a link from brentalfloss. The author had just gotten married, and the article was entirely about how he and his wife waiting until their wedding night to have sex (and he specifically says that they “didn’t pull a Bill Clinton”), and how anyone who doesn’t wait until their wedding night is, essentially, a whore and is living their life wrong.
Wait — what?! Yeah, you read that right. In fact, he specifically says that choosing to live together before marriage makes you a “harlot/mimbo,” the latter of which I would guess was his attempt to make a clever masculine version of “bimbo” (here’s a tip, buddy, it’s not clever so much as asinine). He talks about how he and his new wife went to breakfast the next morning and met a woman who had also been married the day before. But once she said that her husband was still in bed with a headache from the previous night’s shenanigans, the judgement hammer descended. Our not-so-humble narrator says that the guy was in the wrong for having fun at his wedding… you know what, I think it’s better if I just directly quote the article here:
My heart sank. Firstly, that poor schmuck’s “good time” was simply getting snookered. Not enjoying the company of close family and long-lost friends with a clear head and clean conscience, not staring in awe at his beautiful new wife, wanting to soak in every glimmer of her eyes as she shot him heart-racing looks from across the dance floor, not taking all of the cheesy pictures as they cut the cake, not even carrying her across that suite threshold as they nervously anticipated their “nightcap.” He probably won’t remember any of it. Instead, he got smashed. He was “that guy”… at his own freaking wedding.
Let’s take a look at this. “Heart-racing looks.” Some journalist you are; there’s so much wrong with that phrase I don’t even know where to start. For one, that’s a massive misplaced modifier right there. “Looks” cannot be “heart-racing.” Second, I’m pretty sure that “heart-racing” isn’t even a real description of anything. But I guess he wanted to sound poetic, and saying “as she shot him looks that made his heart race” just didn’t cut it for him. That’s not an excuse to break the English language, though, and anything so shoddily written instantly loses credibility.
Here are some other choice phrases that make this read more like a livejournal post than a news article (aside from the obvious, that it’s not news, but a self-righteous prick casting judgement upon everyone he deems unworthy). First off, “poor shmuck’s” and “getting snookered.” I wonder if this guy knows that “shmuck” is slang for “penis.” Probably not, though, since this guy uses the term “snookered” to mean “drunk,” and I’m pretty sure no one uses that term anymore. Then there’s his Puritanical outlook on everything — “clear head and clean conscience.” The “clear head” is obviously a reference to “getting snookered,” but the “clean conscience?” Well, either he sees drinking as a sin, or he’s assuming this couple was making the beast with two backs before they were married. It’s a reasonable assumption, but also an unfair one. He doesn’t know these people, who is he to assume he knows what they did? I love this one though — “nervously anticipated their ‘nightcap.'” Come on, man, it’s the twenty-first century, live a little! Say “sex,” it’s scientifically accurate and totally okay to say! “Nightcap” just makes me think of someone coyly suggesting “going back to my place for more booze and sex.” Concise and to the point, that’s how you’re supposed to report. Not in vaguely poetic allusions. It sounds like this guy learned journalism from the poetry department at a liberal arts school.
And again, the other assumption that the guy “won’t even remember [his wedding].” Wow. Just… wow. You know, the woman didn’t say he was totally bombed at the reception. And he says she “smirked,” which leads me to believe the headache was less “hurrdurr I got drunk at my wedding” so much as “I got drunk that night with my wife and had wild monkey sex until I passed out, and now have a headache from the booze and exertion, but doesn’t matter, had sex.” I mean, come on, no one smirks about drinking anymore unless they’re in high school… though given our current society, that might more accurately read “middle school.” Last, but not least, and what really pisses me off, is the line “He was ‘that guy’… at his own freaking wedding.” First off, who is “that guy?” The groom who had fun? Is that what “that guy” means? Because, seriously, I’ve never heard the phrase “that guy” applied in this context. More importantly though, “his own freaking wedding.” You’re writing for Fox News. What in God’s name possessed you to say that? It’s so childish and unprofessional, and just reeks of judgment. Look, I get it, Fox is conservative, but can’t you at least be a little more subtle about it? And, you know, professional? Because seriously, if your article actually looked like it was written by a journalist, I might be slightly more inclined to believe you. As it stands, though, I just think you’re another Bible-thumping, holier-than-thou asshole who needs to be knocked down a few pegs and stripped of his naïvete.
At this point I won’t even get started on the rest of the article. The flaws are glaringly obvious, from the unprofessional reporting, to the blatant judgments, to the insulting way he talks about the rest of the world — such as “When people do marriage right, they don’t complain so much, and so their voices are silenced by the rabble of promiscuous charlatans, peddling their pathetic world view as ‘progressive.'”
The one that really gets me, though, that really just pisses me off to absolutely no end, is as follows:
Our wedding was perfect. Our wedding night was nothing short of amazing. I write this on a plane heading into a tropical paradise with the most beautiful woman to have walked the planet earth. I know everybody says that their bride was the “most beautiful in the world.” They’re wrong. I win.
Sorry, buddy, the only thing you win is the title “Biggest Jackoff of the Year.” Considering you took that title from your (most likely) idolized Mitt Romney, you should be proud.
Read the whole self-righteous article here: http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2012/09/14/staying-celibate-before-marriage-was-best-thing-ive-ever-done/
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Note: I know the article is Op-Ed and not news like you’d see on Eyewitness or something. But the point remains that the article is unprofessional and poorly written, not to mention preachy, condescending, and much more fitting to a personal blog than a news site, regardless of what category it’s put in.