Life Lessons

Things I learned today from The Cabin in the Woods and The Evil Dead:

1. Never go into creepy basements in creepy cabins in creepy woods.

2. If you DO go into the creepy basement, don’t touch anything, don’t read any books, and don’t play any tapes.

3. If you’re dumb enough to screw up #2, and there’s no way to get back to civilization, you’re probably trapped as part of a ritual to keep the world from ending, and no matter what you do, one way or another you WILL die.

4. If you’re dumb enough to screw up #2, and you can possibly get back to civilization but get raped by trees, you’ve likely allowed a recording to recite an ancient incantation which brought body-possessing demons into the world, and you’re going to become a necrotic possessed zombie thing that cackles more than the Joker and can only be killed by dismemberment.

5. When fighting said necrotic possessed zombies, aim for the neck to slow them down, then sever all four limbs and the head. Also use fire. If you happen to also be in possession of a nasty looking book bound with human skin, burn the sucker and get far away from the necrotic possessed zombies.

6. When fighting a zombie redneck torture family, nothing short of complete and utter dismemberment will stop them, and even then you’re still not safe. Keep in mind that multiple stab wounds to the chest and face will slow them for a time, but will not stop them.

7. If you’re in the scenario in #3, do not try to jump over a chasm with a motorbike. You will hit an invisible grid, the bike will explode, and you will die long before you’ve had a chance to fall into the chasm.

8. If you’re in the scenario in #4, any friends you may have come with that have become possessed are now dead, and you may freely dismember them without worry. They aren’t coming back.

Any horror movie lessons you’d like to share? Any movies you’d like to hear lessons from? Comment here or on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/1331blog!

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